Thursday, July 22, 2010

Interpret This...

This is my dream last night which i deliriously wrote down at 3am on my phone. (unedited):

Managed a place w/ big boilers. Was some sort of undercover agent where I had to break policy a lot in order to get information. One day a man got killed because I opened an emergency door trying to conceal my identity and attaining info. An investigator came in and was solving the case of who opened the door. 'Who's lying about opening this door?' There were 3 of us. The other guys weren't handling the heat very well and were giving off signs of lying. I wasn't. He asked me if I put my hands in my pockets, the other guys were. Nervous reaction to lying. He checked our mouth pieces for nervous chewing, (yes, we were wearing mine was nearly unchewed; the others' were mangled. He asked everyone a few questions out in the open and wrote a few things down on his clipboard. His mind was stirring and he seemed to think it was one of the other guys. All of a sudden, he turns to me and asks for my mouth piece. ...He then put my mouth piece in my mouth himself, at a slightly odd angle which cause me a lot of pain behind my top front teeth. I jumped and said 'ow' then he said 'aha!' 'I knew it was you!' I tried to be calm and react like I was innocent, but in reality I was making myself look more guilty. I walked away (we weren't locked in a room. Out in the open) thinking of how to react if I were in fact innocent. I realized it wudnt look good if I was calm so I went back to him calmly and said 'oh, you're serious?' (Trying to make him think my non reaction earlier was due to thinking he was joking.) He didn't respond and continued completing the paperwork on 'who done it.' I thought it'd be a good idea to react like I was being wronged so I threw a big fit, grabbed his clipboard, and was ranting in disbelief with tears flowing. (I actually felt tears on my face. They didn't alter my vision though.) ... Before the tears I was in his ear telling him he had no idea what he was talking about. "How the heck do you get that I'm guilty by putting my mouth piece in?!? He was calm as collective as he was continually building his case against me. I took the paper w/ the 3 of our names of signs we were giving off and the conclusion of me being the corporal. I wadded it up better and harder than I've wadded up anything in my life w/ hopes to erase what had just unfolded. I had the wadded truth ball in my hand and someone yelled, "NO!!! Don't do it Nate!" I took one big step and threw the wad as far as I cud in a room that looked a lot like an old movie theatre w/ rows and rows of those wooden-backed seats. (I have no idea what that big open room w/ those seats was for.)...I knew I was had and was furiously sobbing because there's no way that I've been caught. I was screwed and although I was an undercover agent, I think it was for a private organization, not the police which meant that I was going to jail. I was breaking down, fully showing my guilt, proving the (boondock saints-like investigator. The original) was dead on. I collapsed on the floor in front of everyone w/ a clipboard in hand and tears on my face. Then I woke up...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


...i've been there before. it was as sweet as is sounds contentment -something that so many strive for but come up short. i am one of the few...yet still not there

in the last 6 months, i've experienced a lot of amazing things. i got to move back home to family and a city i love, i started chiropractic school which is a huge passion of mine, i've finally found decent sushi in kc, and i've reached contentment.

in past years i have come really close to complete contentment but never fully embraced it. a couple months ago, i found what i was looking for. sweet contentment. for the longest time i've wanted to be a husband and a father...still waiting for that...people would tell me that i'll meet my wife when i least expect it, or whenever i'm content. lies!! the truth is that contentment isn't some sort of magical potion that unlocks all of our heart's desires. as if once we reach it there will be this cloud of smoke and out of that cloud walks our soul mate. bologna! I never understood why bologna is pronounced baloney. the Lord will provide a mate if He wants to! whenever and where ever. it doesn't matter if i'm basking in contentment or in the depth of sin. God can and will do whatever wants...cause He is God!! Romans 9....the clay has no control over the potter's hands...

so at this very moment, i'm not content. yes, i'm happy with life in general, but my heart longs for a wife. someone to do life with. it's kind of a crappy place to be.

so what's the point of contentment you might ask? ....well, Godly contentment is a treasure. it is complete surrender and dependence on God, who will never let us down. contentment is accepting our circumstances and giving our whole heart, passion, and desires to Him. the things of this world will be here today, but gone tomorrow. The love of our Father is here for eternity. contentment says: "i'm solely driven by one thing, and that thing is the God of issac. nothing else will have dominion over my life."

like i said, i was once there. it brought on a great amount of peace and love for Jesus, and towards others. i plan on getting back to that place...

...but i'm not there yet

Monday, May 24, 2010

which path do i take?

His words first:
"in his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps." prov 16:9 niv

i am a fan of e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

don't know much about the guy, but he talks about the Lord and never uses caps. :)

lately my life has been sooo stinkin' good! everything seems to be working out ...wait, did i just say that? yep, sure did. everything is fantabulous and i couldn't as for more. heck, i don't want more! i deserve death!!! not an awesome summer of school, work and good times w/ friends. the next 3.5 years seem to be set in stone for me. school, school, church, and more school. fun.

i think the coolest thing about going to school to be a chiropractor is that i have total peace about it. the good Lord has given me the tools and desire to work in this field. thanks ;)

so for the days, months, years to come, i will be throughly stressed and overwhelmed. looking forward to that! ...not so much. one thing that's been a work in progress is giving the reigns of life over to God. far too often i do what i think is best for me-doesn't work...ever. prov 16:9 is truth. we can plan and plan and plan, but if it's not in the Lord's will, we can't guarantee it'll work out. don't forget He is an all-powerful God who has the power to change anything He so chooses.

long story short: there are several life-altering choices to make. one being school. two being the church i attend (the gathering), and three being my lull-full search for a mate.

i know this isn't too exciting, but i wanna dip my toe in the water and get one outta the way.

in my life, Jesus is teaching me to have His eyes, His arms, and His love for all His people. i have genuinely felt compassion over another human being...what a great/heart-breking feeling.

i am stupid tired right now and can't keep my eyes open anymore. ...the next one will be tons better. promie